Loneliness is something we have all experienced at some point in our lives and it can happen at any age, regardless of defining characteristics, social position or relationship status. And when I refer to loneliness, I‘m not talking about times in our lives when we have found ourselves alone, either through personal choice or circumstances seemingly beyond our control. I am talking about those feelings of isolation, disconnection and helplessness that come when we interpret our life situation through the lens of loneliness.
Being alone and feeling lonely are two distinct states of being that often get intertwined. While being alone refers to the physical state of not being in the presence of others, feeling lonely is an emotional experience characterised by a sense of isolation and disconnection, even when surrounded by people. I believe that it’s really important to differentiate between experiencing life on your own and experiencing a lonely life.
For midlife women loneliness appears in many different guises and for many different reasons. And feeling lonely is a difficult place to be in if you don’t have the tools to help you through, nor the support you need to get to the other side. Maybe you’re a 50 something woman dealing with intense grief after losing a spouse? Maybe you’re navigating the choppy waters of an acrimonious midlife divorce, that’s left you feeling bereft and lost at sea? Maybe you’re flying through your fifties looking for that special someone and are disillusioned by the modern online dating world? Or maybe, the kids have now left home and the empty nest life has you feeling lonelier than ever?
Being Alone vs Feeling Lonely
By nature I am quite a ‘singular’ type of person and have enthusiastically embraced single life for most of my years on planet Earth. Along the way, I have experienced deep loneliness and disconnection from the world around me, finding refuge in distractions and addictions to soften the edges of the sadness and self-criticsm. But as I’ve grown up (and that journey is still ongoing by the way) I have got to know myself better and have grown to love and accept myself for who I am, warts and all. I’ve realised too that my loneliness was also a symptom of my disconnection from my inner self, that part of me who’s wise and connected to All That Is, that only has my best interests at heart and never judges me!
I have chosen time after time to do things on my own, for example, when it comes to overseas travel adventures. Personally I love the simplicity of solo travelling, the flexibility I enjoy through planning the trip on my own terms and not having to renegotiate plans if I have a change of heart about something on the itinerary. I love the opportunity I have as a solo traveller to meet local people more directly and to make new friendships with other travellers on the road. The only downside of solo travelling for me, is that I don’t have the shared memories to reflect on down the line with a travel buddy, so memories can all blur into one.
Anyway, back to being alone vs feeling lonely. Whether you actively choose to embrace solitude, or whether you are dealt a hand in life that catapults you into a more singular status, it’s the attitude you have to your life situation, and the approach you take to move through it, that will determine whether or not you experience feelings of loneliness. Feeling lonely can occur even in a crowd of people or a committed relationship. It’s a deep emotional ache that stems from a perceived lack of meaningful connection and no-one is immune.
The Downside of Loneliness
Loneliness is no laughing matter and admitting it can be challenging. I think that some people hide their authentic feelings of loneliness because it makes them appear weak and even a bit pathetic. If you’re someone who, to the outside world, seems to have all their ducks in a row, it may be really hard to admit, even to yourself, that you’re feeling lonely. But acknowledging the feeling and accepting your vulnerability can be the first steps to moving forward in a positive way. If ignored, it can just lead to more serious issues of disconnection and depression.
As much as I hate to hark back to the lockdown months, I do feel that this era exacerbated feelings of isolation and loneliness for millions of people around the world. Whilst our online connectivity expanded exponentially, allowing us many opportunities to forge new friendships (albeit virtual ones), the absence of an actual physical social life robbed us of something fundamental in our expressions as human beings, it robbed us of touch. And somewhere along the way, we got used to the new version of reality. Even when the prison doors were opened, people still felt more comfortable staying home, so the bars and restaurants were quieter and we forgot about the person we used to be. Social isolation, whether by choice or circumstance, invariably can lead to loneliness and chronic ill health, on a mental and physical level, but we don’t have to take this lying down. Let’s talk about how you can arm yourself with the right strategy and toolbox to fight this battle and come out on top!
How to Deal with Loneliness in Life after 50
The first step in dealing with feelings of loneliness at 50 and beyond is to identify what the root cause is. Earlier I touched on some of the life situations that may lead to feelings of loneliness, but all of these can just as easily be interpreted as times of being alone. No-one is forcing us to feel lonely, we manage to do that all on our own… yes, really!
As humans it’s essential to nurture genuine connections, engage in activities that foster social interaction, and reach out for support when needed. Despite the painful emotions that often accompany the cause of your becoming alone, you can start to look at this as an opportunity to engage with life on your terms, maybe for the first time in many years.
As with any journey of transformation worth its salt, it’s not always easy, and it may feel a bit daunting at times. But I invite you to look upon it as a tale of adventure and self-empowerment, if you can pluck up the courage to take the first baby steps. No need to freak yourself out with lofty goals that will have you running for cover. Start small, be consistent and celebrate every step of the way. Here’s a few ideas to get you started on the path to dealing with loneliness in life after 50
- Get out into the world more and connect with people face-to-face. Resist the temptation to stay home and order takeaway, do the weekly shop online or live vicariously through the social media feeds of your online friends. It’s time to head out to your local shop, talk to your neighbour, call up an old friend or join a MeetUp group with those who share your particular passions.
- Just say no to the sedentary life! We all spend way too much time sitting down and glued to screens. Get up, stand up and move your body, as often as you can remember to do so. Any physical activity will help your body and brain function better and flood you with feel-good hormones to brighten up your day. Join the gym you’ve been threatening to do for months, walk rather than drive whenever you can, run up the stairs for the pure pleasure of being alive or dance like nobody’s watching in your front room!
- Being alone is the perfect time to get to know yourself better, to explore what truly lights you up and to invite into your life your secret desires and long-forgotten dreams. If you feel like you don’t know who you are any more, write down your story and enjoy reconnecting with every part of you, allowing you to step into your future as the most authentic version of yourself.
- Embrace the opportunity to start something completely new in your life, something you feel really enthusiastic about, that you care deeply about, that can give you back a sense of passion and purpose. And the upside of when you explore your passions, is that you become a more interesting person to yourself (and to others) and this will strengthen your innate inner confidence and willingness to step out of your comfort zone and make new connections.
- When feelings of loneliness permeate too deeply, depression and self-neglect may also show up as uninvited guests. Whatever your age, and however badly you may have treated your mind and body over the decades, it’s never too late to turn things around by making healthier choices. Better health (physical and mental) means better energy, and a better chance of going out into the world with courage and confidence. Check out my recent blog post “Healthy and Happy in Life after 50’ for more inspiration.
- My final thoughts on the subject of how to deal with loneliness in life after 50 is to stay focussed on what is within your control, and not be distracted or discouraged by life going on somewhere else. This would include, but not limited to, no gossiping about random celebrities or your least favourite neighbours, not being sucked into the fear and anxiety portrayed in mainstream media headlines, and not obsessing about stuff that’s happened in the past or may happen in the future. Right here, right now is your only place of true power, and when you start making decisions in life within your area of influence and control, you will be taking back your power and becoming responsible for what happens next – enjoy the journey!
